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Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Mum Guilt- Skipping Two Trimesters


You must have know you was pregnant? I thought it only happened in the films and TV shows where people did not know there were pregnant for a long period of time? No I can tell you that it doesn't only happen in these settings I did not know that I was pregnant till 26 weeks. 

It is not something that I will ever forgot I knew I had been getting more tired but I put this down to working part time being in the last few weeks of the second year of my degree. Meaning a lot of late nights making sure that the deadlines were completed so I thought nothing about it is and just took more naps during the day which is normal for students to do anyway.

Due to the fact I had been working on a project instead of going on work experience it meant that I had not seen a couple of friends for a few weeks I think it was about 4 weeks. One of them when I saw them said oh wow when did that happen I knew I had gained a little bit of weight but it was only a small amount and I put that again down to the poor diet I had because I was so busy and too tired to cook. I thought she was referring to the weight that I had gained in the last couple of months and ignored it. It wasn't until a few days later that I felt some almost like pops of air in the bottom of my stomach that I started to be concerned. I realised that this point that it had been about 2 months since I had a period TMI I know but because of stress I did not think anything of it.

I remember vividly going to superdrug purchasing a pregnancy test and then going to the university library because that was were my friends were at the time to do the test. I text one of my friends to come to the toilet with me to do the test because I was scared to do it alone. I purchased one of the the ones which tells you how many weeks I remember it saying 3+ weeks my first thoughts were OH SHIT.

I had been out partying only that week because I was a student who was enjoying been care free and having a few drinks and a few more was part of my life back then. It was a good way to socialise with friends. One of the first things which came into my head was like I am going to have to sort this I can't have a baby I need to finish my degree and be more settled before I can have a child. As some of you might know if you have read my birth story I told Joe on his 21st Birthday which meant he got really drunk. We spoke about everything and decided that our best option was to try and have an abortion or have give the little one up for adoption

At the time we didn't know how far along I was or anything so I booked in to see a doctor as soon as I could be cause of the situation I was in I wanted to have an abortion should it be possible. I didn't think I would be past the 12 week cut off.  I booked my appointment with the abortion people and a lovely friend who I am so thankful for them through the whole of my pregnancy because  I don't know if I could have done it without them. I went for a scan so that they could see how far gone I was I remember them saying are you sure you have not had any feelings of movements and I explained about the ones the popping of air. The lady I clearly remember saying well you can not have an abortion your over the legal limit you are around 26 weeks.

This is when we went down the route of speaking to the relevant people about adoption. I spent a lot of my pregnancy with social workers because I had to do all of the medial forms and everything ready for the when baby was born. There was a foster family ready so that there was people to look after her before a forever family was found.

This is where the mum guilt gets me because I didn't want to be pregnant I wanted the baby to be born so I could go back to my own life as horrible as it sounds. I didn't take pictures of my bump I don't have any scan pictures because I made them turn the screen away from me. I feel guilty because of the fact that that I had been drinking I know how dangerous that could have been. I blame myself now when she is crazy it is because she know she has all ready been drunk.

I feel guilty that the majority of the clothes which she got when she was a baby were picked by other people. I only actually purchase her one outfit and then after we decided to not go through with the adoption my cousin went out and purchase everything. Don't worry my family actually paid her to do it and it is something which I am forever grateful for.

One thing which eats me is that Jess is never going to be able to see the scans of her or what she was like as a bump. If we should go on to have another child I think I would take bump pictures and have scan pictures.

Has anyone else found out there where pregnant later than normal. If so do you have this mum guilt?

Charlotte x

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